Highly Sensitive Person (Oh, that explains it!!)

After posting My Introverted Child (which is by far my most popular post) I received quite a few suggestions to read The Highly Sensitive Person.  I put it off, choosing instead to read several books about the Holocaust (I'm such a downer lately!) But when my landscape designer said she could sense that I was a highly sensitive person (HSP) and that I should read the book, I took it as a sign!

An HSP is a person whose nervous system is extremely sensitive to stimuli and is therefore easily overwhelmed in stimulating situations.  Take this HSP self test and see if you are one of the 15-20% who are, too!  I took this test, and checked EVERY SINGLE item.  I'm HSP to the extreme.

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm

Learning that I'm a HSP explains so many of my quirks.  Like these... 

1.  I fall asleep when I watch action movies (and I rarely watch action movies).  My high school boyfriend tried to show me The Matrix at least 2 times, and I fell asleep both times.  Just too stimulating, my body decided to shut down.

2.  I zone out a lot. I used to think this was because I'm an airhead (I do get accused of this, even though I was always a straight A student), but actually it's my brain's way of filtering out stimuli.  If you see a glazed look on my face, you now know what is going on.  Please don't be offended.  

3.  I love studying in coffee shops.  Perfect level of stimulation, not too much, not too little.  Very predictable environment, and usually no one talks to me unless I want them to.

4.  I'm one of the first to leave a party (even though I probably had a blast!)  

5.  I am irrationally afraid of getting in trouble.  Even in high school, I would burst into tears if a teacher reprimanded me.  

6.  I hate sitting at the sushi bar- I'd rather be at a table where I am not being watched.  Sucks for Joe, who loves talking directly to the sushi chef about what is fresh.

7.  I am really bad with names and faces.  Especially faces.  I know Mindy Kaling believes that this is B.S.:“I don’t think it should be socially acceptable for people to say they are “bad with names.” No one is bad with names. That is not a real thing. Not knowing people’s names isn’t a neurological condition; it’s a choice. You choose not to make learning people’s names a priority. It’s like saying, “Hey, a disclaimer about me: I’m rude.” 
― Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

 I love Mindy, but I totally disagree with her assumption.  I am not rude, and I do care about people.  I just get so overwhelmed in situations where I have to meet new people, that it's hard to process and remember names and faces right away.  But once I get to know you a little better in a calmer situation, I'll never forget you.  You've got a friend for life.

8.  I have a strong aversion to speaking on the phone. This might be just an introvert thing. I read too much into the tone and subtleties of peoples' voices and I get overwhelmed. I'm receiving too much information, and it's especially disorienting because I can't triangulate what I'm hearing with the person's facial expressions. Also, the pace of phone conversations tends to be faster than face-to-face, requiring me to think and speak more quickly, which is sometimes hard for me.  I love face to face time, in a calm peaceful environment.

9.  I LOVE dancing (ballet and hip hop are my favorites) but dancing in a big crowd at a club or wedding is only fun for about 5 minutes.  Then I want to go home and read.  

10.  I never did well at dance auditions where I had to learn and perform a routine on the spot.  I always did great if I had just one night to go home to my familiar surroundings and practice on my own.

11.  Coffee makes me crazy!  I'm super sensitive to the effects of caffeine (mood swings, anxiety, digestive issues, jitters) and had to switch to decaf.  HSPs tend to be really sensitive to caffeine.

12. I was a HORRIBLE waitress.  For the two miserable weeks that I worked at Norms 24 Hour diner, I was a shaky mess who could never remember peoples' orders.  I quit, and felt ashamed that I, a straight A student, could not manage to survive a job at Norms.

13.  I think about my thinking a lot.  Which is pretty much what this entire post is!

Are you an HSP?  I'd especially love to hear from an HSP who is also an extravert (they do exist! It's just more rare.)  

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My Introverted Child

When strangers, acquaintances and family members lavish Sisi with attention, she rarely reciprocates, at least not right away. I find myself making excuses for her lack of charisma.  "Oh, she's just shy."  "She's not very social right now."  "She's a little tired/grumpy/out of it today, I'm sorry."  But by now, Sisi can probably understand these excuses I'm making. And even long before she could speak, I am sure she could read my apologetic/exasperated tone and sense my embarrassment.

Just the other day, we were in the supermarket and an old man reaches out to her and says, "Hello beautiful baby!!!"  Of course, she looks down and clutches her duckie blanket as I prod her to say, "Hello!  Thank you!" to no avail.  Then I thought to myself, "Does she really need to reciprocate affection to a stranger she's never met?  In this world of pediphiles and kidnappings, is that even safe?"



I've started asking myself what kind of lessons I'm teaching Sisi with these encounters.

I'm teaching her that it's not ok to be quiet or reserved.  I'm teaching her that she must be charismatic and gregarious at all times, even toward strangers whom she has never met. I'm teaching her that any attention paid to her should be paid right back, and then some.

Those are the pressures I have put upon myself my entire life.  I am a somewhat shy, easily overstimulated introvert.  I like to be silent.  I like to be alone a lot.  I can drive for hours by myself without the radio on, just thinking and philosophizing.  I used to think that was a nerdy, shameful way to be, but I'm just now accepting that it's the way God made me.  Sure, I can schmooze at a party, make decent small talk, or sell myself to clients if need be (and I'm quite good at it I'll admit!), but those activities are not natural to me, and therefore they drain me. I find I need lots of downtime to recharge my batteries.

I remember being so jealous of my older sister, who can light up a room with her energy and storytelling.  She never seemed intimidated by crowds.  Eloquent conversation came easily to her, and she could improvise and relate well to people she just met. I am pretty much the opposite. I have a hard time socializing at cocktail parties, and I am much better at listening and asking questions that I am at talking.  In fact, I would much rather write my thoughts than say them out loud because it gives me time to think and sort out my ideas in peace.  These traits don't make me the life of the party, but they do make me a thoughtful, reflective person.  The world needs introverts.

Still, I've spent my whole life striving to be an extravert.  I've become really good at faking it.  Those who know me might be really confused by my claims of timidity.  After all, didn't I run for student government by doing a song and dance in front of the whole school?  Wasn't I a cheerleader with great stage presence?  Didn't I win the Public Speaking award in 8th grade?  Yes, by my sheer willpower to overcome my natural inclinations.

True, sometimes we just have to fake it.  Our's is an extraverted society, where charm and first impressions matter, and the squeaky wheel gets the oil.  If you stay in your shell where it's comfortable, you may be overlooked and taken advantage of. You miss opportunities.  But a few years ago, I started to realize I may have faked it too much and for too long, because I struggled with feeling like I have two personalities, and that I'm not a whole, genuine person.  I also felt like my introversion was a fatal flaw to be covered up, like I needed to just get over it and start loving parties and after-church socializing OR ELSE I'm a bad person.  I wasn't respecting my own style of relating to the world and to others, and therefore I felt burnt out.

I believe Sisi is an introvert.  She is thoughtful, incredibly observant, creative, and focused.  She can read books in her room or daydream in her sandbox for hours.  She is very cautious and conscientious.  Loud noises, new people and places can overwhelm her, so she tends to cling to me and look down at the floor when people rush toward her with their kisses and hugs. She's been this way from Day 1. It used to embarrass me, mostly because I worried that she was hurting others' feelings. But is it really my two-year-old's job to care about your feelings?  Not really. It's not like she's a bratty, too-cool-for-school kind of kid.  She can be very warm and sweet with those in her inner circle. From now on I'm going to tell her that it's okay to be quiet, reserved, and soft spoken.  Kindness and love take many forms, and they don't always have to come in a peppy, smiley package, no matter what the world tells us.

*I just read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking, which prompted this whole train of thought. It's really changed my life and my self-esteem. I highly recommend it for introverts and extraverts alike!  The more we understand each other, the more we will appreciate each others' strengths. 

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