So far, I've read two non-self-help books (Bossypants and My Hollywood), had my first Dunkin' Donuts coffee (wayyyy better than Starbucks!), started a puzzle, and stared at the harbor from the bay window. It's been divine, all this "time wasting."
The view from our little bedroom.
I was a little nervous watching Joe play with Siena on this grassy balcony. You know, the one with no railings that leads straight down to the rocky shore. Yikes!
This video would be a lot cuter without my annoying commentary... I would mute it, but then you wouldn't hear Siena's excited panting.
Joe sipped espresso and read theology books. I ate a warm cinnamon roll and watched Sisi play happily in the kiddie corner. It was blazing hot outside but nicely air conditioned inside. Everything was peaceful, everyone was content. And I realize, THIS is how I imagined parenthood would be.
Most of the time, parenthood is nothing like my fantasies. But there are moments that far exceed my wildest dreams, like when Sisi awkwardly puts her mouth on my face- her first attempts at kissing.
I love that this coffee shop has a wonderful kid's nook with toys and books. Wish Peet's had something like that!
Then back to reality. After leaving the coffee shop, Sisi was in a horribly grumpy mood. She also woke up screaming from 10:30pm-12am, crushing my hopes that she was now officially sleeping through the night again (after 5 glorious days of 11+ hours straight). Like all pleasant dreams, it was great while it lasted :)
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Joe booked our tickets to Gloucester, Mass! In a few weeks we'll spend 10 days out there in his parents incredible historical bungalow. Our first real getaway since we became a trio.
You can see their house in this painting on the right, with it's bright red roof. Not bad lodgings, eh?
Even though some people say traveling with an infant is not worth it, we will consider this our trial run. It's our chance to see how resilient Siena can be, and how flexible and Type B we can be. Plus, we'll have lots of helping hands, and won't have to schlep around from hotel to hotel. It's an ideal first trip, I think. I have a super brave pregnant friend (you know who you are :) who is planning a trip to Europe when baby will be 5 months. Now that's ballsy! Although I don't doubt they can pull it off, I do hope their tix are refundable, just in case :)
I'm being super Type A in my attempt to be Type B on the trip. I like to do my research, and I've gathered many (hopefully) helpful tips for flying/traveling with a baby. The ones I'll be trying for sure:
wake baby up 3 hours early the morning of the trip so her bedtime can be easily adjusted to East Coast time. On the way back, offer a short nap at bedtime but keep baby up 3 hours longer to get her back on California time. I think this is genius, but it could definitely backfire. I pretty much trust everything this lady says, though.
nurse upon takeoff and landing to relieve ear pressure (we'll be offering diluted coconut water in a bottle b/c Sisi usually refuses to nurse outside her normal feeding times.)
post it notes and painter's tape make excellent airplane toys
order diapers, baby food, and other essentials on amazon and have them shipped to the destination instead of lugging them in the suitcase.
For the past few weeks, I've been a bit melancholy. I've been watching films about natural disasters, shipwrecks, and the Holocaust. This is very unusual for a chick flick and comedy lover like me. I've been pondering death and suffering a lot lately, and sometimes my imagination and dreams go to dark places.
Then I realized it's the 1 year anniversary of my Dad's death, of course I'm melancholy. If ever there was a time to mourn, it's now.
Death is always difficult to process, but I think losing someone to suicide is especially traumatic. Because suicide is taboo, it's difficult to talk about. In fact, it almost seemed wrong to write this post. Would people be offended or judge me?
Suicide is so complex, and here's why:
the gruesome/painful nature of self-murder
the stigma surrounding it
suicidal people often have mental problems and their relationships are already messed up
because of this, the survivors may feel a sense of relief when they are gone--> immense guilt
the person who commits suicide is the victim and the perpetrator at the same time
if they leave a note, they have the last word
all the happy memories and accomplishments of that person seem worthless, since you know their life ended on such a tragic note
those who found the body may suffer from post traumatic stress disorder, in addition to the normal feelings of grief
And of course, you can't help but wonder...
did i cause it?
could i have stopped it?
why wasn't my life and our relationship worth living for?
can a person who committed suicide go to Heaven?
what were his/her last thoughts? was i in them?
did he/she even consider the consequences this would have for the survivors?
I don't have the answers to all of these questions, but I do have the answer to the first two: "Did I cause it?" and "Could I have stopped it?" The answer is OF COURSE NOT. I needn't give myself more power than I actually possess. I cannot control people, make them happy, or force them to get help. I can only love them, pray for them, and rest in God's sovereignty. I started to heal when I was able to give those questions an honest "no", and be ok with leaving the rest unanswered. Only God knows.
A LOT has changed in the span of 1 month. In the beginning, the milestones are so subtle, like "unclenches fists" or "makes eye contact". Now I feel like each day she does the coolest, most amazing things. It's all just normal baby stuff, but to me she's a genius in the making :)
she's an expert army crawler, and now does baby pushups and bounces on hands and knees.
she can finally sit up!
eats a large variety of chunky foods (she'll squeeze it to a pulp then stick her whole fist in her mouth. looks very satisfied if she gets a tiny morsel in there)
has 2 teeth
eyes are still blue, much to my surprise
sleeps through the night a few times a week. heck, i'll take it!
Sometime in 2007, I went on a music strike. I just didn't want to hear it anymore. I tuned my radio to talk radio, classical, or silence. There was too much going on in my life and head (brother was sick, I was planning my wedding, and starting my flower business.) To add music on top of that literally made my temples hurt. This was highly unusual for me, a singer, dancer and lover of all musical genres, even cheesy 70's bands like The Carpenters.
Also, right around 2007 is when I noticed how obnoxious music can be. 2007 was the year of annoying music. You know, songs that make your ears hurt when they come on (for example, anything by Akon or *Gwen Stefani.) Songs that make you feel like you have to be a defensive listener- always with one finger on the tuner button.
My music hiatus lasted about 4 years. Once in a while I'd find a cd I could listen to on repeat for a little while (Beck, Pinback, Sufjan Stevens- mellow male voices I guess) but overall, I just needed silence.
For everything there is a season. My music strike is over! Since the baby was born, I have a super intense reaction to good songs- they make me cry instantly! When Sisi was first born, Joe would play opera for her in the mornings as I would quietly sob to myself.
I feel like life has slowed down a bit, and it's actually become a little repetitive (pretty unavoidable when caring for a small infant full time.) Dare I say it, sometimes my brain feels a little empty. I can now fully embrace the stimulation of music. I want Sisi to be raised in a home full of music, singing, and dancing. Now I make it a point to turn on oldies for her every single day. She's even starting to bob her head a little to the beat. It's soooo cute!
Here's a little glimpse of life with a 7 month old. We had breakfast for Joe's bday at the Penguin Cafe in Laguna Beach. Of course, Joe had to play Penguin Cafe Orchestra on my droid while filming. :)
Has anyone ever gone through an anti-music phase or am I crazy?
*I actually love Gwen, just not her solo stuff.
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Sisi's monthly pictures are great motivation to make more baby headbands. No matter how busy I get, I know I'll make at least a few new creations each month just for her.
I know bows and flowers are pretty typical baby adornment. Why not stick other random objects on baby's heads?
Like a nest...
fuzzy yarn nest with pearl eggs
Or peas in a pod...
Cotton covered beads in a felt pod.
I had Sisi wear the bird's nest headband to church today to test the response. Even though to me it's clearly a bird's nest with pearl eggs, I needed to make sure other people don't just see a big brown fur patch. Everyone knew right away that it was a nest, except one of the Pastors, who thought it was actually Sisi's hair tied into a bun on top of her head. Like a samurai? Whoa, craziness!
