A Time to Mourn

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

For the past few weeks, I've been a bit melancholy. I've been watching films about natural disasters, shipwrecks, and the Holocaust. This is very unusual for a chick flick and comedy lover like me.  I've been pondering death and suffering a lot lately, and sometimes my imagination and dreams go to dark places.

Then I realized it's the 1 year anniversary of my Dad's death, of course I'm melancholy.  If ever there was a time to mourn, it's now.

Death is always difficult to process, but I think losing someone to suicide is especially traumatic.  Because suicide is taboo, it's difficult to talk about.  In fact, it almost seemed wrong to write this post.  Would people be offended or judge me? 

Suicide is so complex, and here's why:

  • the gruesome/painful nature of self-murder
  • the stigma surrounding it
  • suicidal people often have mental problems and their relationships are already messed up
  • because of this, the survivors may feel a sense of relief when they are gone--> immense guilt
  • the person who commits suicide is the victim and the perpetrator at the same time
  • if they leave a note, they have the last word
  • all the happy memories and accomplishments of that person seem worthless, since you know their life ended on such a tragic note
  • those who found the body may suffer from post traumatic stress disorder, in addition to the normal feelings of grief
And of course, you can't help but wonder...
  • did i cause it?
  • could i have stopped it?
  • why wasn't my life and our relationship worth living for? 
  • can a person who committed suicide go to Heaven?  
  • what were his/her last thoughts? was i in them?
  • did he/she even consider the consequences this would have for the survivors?

I don't have the answers to all of these questions, but I do have the answer to the first two: "Did I cause it?"  and "Could I have stopped it?"  The answer is OF COURSE NOT.  I needn't give myself more power than I actually possess.  I cannot control people, make them happy, or force them to get help.  I can only love them, pray for them, and rest in God's sovereignty.  I started to heal when I was able to give those questions an honest "no", and be ok with leaving the rest unanswered.  Only God knows.


barefoot n crazy August 31, 2011 at 1:56 PM  

Man. Suicide is so hard to get over... and he was your dad too. People kept telling me that it gets easier, but I don't think so. Mourning has stages, it's how God designed it. We couldn't take it all at once. It's a long process. I'm so sorry, Kristin.

Cindy August 31, 2011 at 4:47 PM  

Hugs and prayers, Kristin. You've expressed it so very well, mature and balanced and with love. Thanks for sharing this difficult day.

Sarah September 1, 2011 at 10:00 AM  

As tragic and difficult as this is, God is clearly your foundation and you have a good head on your shoulders. As much as it's hard to always focus on God's providence, it always gives us comfort if we seek it. Hang in there =) And try not watching sad things lol pop in Pride and Prejudice or something. Get a dose of Mr. Darcy hehe

- Sarah

christina {simply modern weddings} September 2, 2011 at 1:47 AM  

my prayers go out to you right now krissy, i know how down i always feel around the anniversary of my dad's death...and that was 18 years ago. i don't know if i can say the pain ever goes away, but it doesn't hurt as bad as the years pass. i am sure with everything, it makes it that much harder..but god wouldn't put anything on you that you can't bear. i am here for you girlie!!

Lacey September 2, 2011 at 11:47 PM  

Wow Kris, I had no idea. What a beautiful, honest post - I'm glad that you are processing and dealing with this pain. Love and prayers.

Teresa Brancaleone October 8, 2011 at 10:42 PM  

You my dear amaze me. Deep wounds leave deep scars, but they heal and become part of you. You are healing still and I am so proud of you, you are still learning how to live in this aftermath, I don't think I would have done so well.

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