Missing Dad

Tomorrow, May 16th, is my dad's birthday.  I remember exactly how we spent it last year.  We all met at Lucille's BBQ and ate way too many biscuits with apple butter.  I gave him an iron gym and a workout outfit to encourage him to keep up his physique :) I was barely pregnant.  In fact, I don't think I even knew I was pregnant at that point.  It seems like just yesterday, really. 

And now he's gone.  He died unexpectedly last August.  When I found out, my whole body went numb, I couldn't breathe, and I collapsed to the floor outside a sushi restaurant.  I feared I would never ever be the same again.  I guess I'm not.  I've definitely grown from it, and learned how important it is to be there for people in their grief. I read and reread every sympathy card that was sent to me numerous times, just clinging to words to help me survive. You better bet I send sympathy cards now!  I never used to before.  I think I'm more compassionate. I'm less surprised when tragedy strikes, and quicker to fall on my knees and pray. 

But on a day to day basis, I do feel like myself.  Life did go on, and I've made it out of the heavy grief stage.  But the grief does come back from time to time.  Last night I cried, wishing my dad could hold my beautiful baby girl who definitely has his nose and his smile.  At his graveside service, we sang the hymn "Rock of Ages Cleft for Me", half the crowd singing it in Korean and half in English- it was sooo hauntingly beautiful. When I hear that song, I inevitably break down.  I imagine this will happen for the rest of my life. 
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Missing you Dad, and wishing so badly that you could cuddle with your grand daughter on your birthday.